An unlikely partnership has emerged in the Occupy Melbourne protests. As the dust settles again on the protesters, following their scuffles with police last Friday, a surprising new tactic is being formed in the fight against ‘the global Zionist capitalist corporation system thingy’.
Alex Perry is not a name that springs to mind when one considers anti-globalisation-Zionist-capitalist-corporation-system thingy movements, in fact it is not a name that springs to mind for any real reason. Although this week, the ‘controversial’ judge of Australia’s Next Top Model has thrown his $6,000 Louis Vuitton hat into the political ring and thus face, onto the front pages.
‘We all saw the images on the evening news last week and they really were shocking,’ Perry said on Melbourne radio this morning. ‘Those poor protestors are obviously doing it tough and anything I can do to help, be it shampoo, shoes, a comb or simply a t shirt or pair of jeans without holes in them would clearly go a long way. Nobody should have to go through the ignominy of being on national television dressed like that.’
With the Queen’s arrival in Melbourne only days away, Perry has set himself to ‘makeover’ the protestors in time for Her Majesty’s arrival. Perry has called on the services of Channel 7’s Beauty& the Geek makeover team to assist with his plan. ‘These guys are some of the best makeover artists going around. Anyone who has watched their show can only be amazed at how they have transformed so many pasty, bearded Star Trek geeks into almost desirable men, so shaving and spraying a few hippy protestors should be a walk in the park’. Perry is also calling on community groups to donate to his cause, ‘This really is a national crisis and we are desperate for any donations of mirrors, scissors, combs, razors and deodorant,’ Perry announced. ‘What is at stake here is not merely a national television audience, but an international audience, I for one will not allow these poor people to be presented in such a downtrodden way again’.
Perry has also announced plans for an Occupy Melbourne fashion line, dubbed OM. ‘I’m so excited about OM, it mixes the peacefulness and purity of Hinduism with the fire and passion of the protests, and because of the undefined nature of the protests it really gives a creative freedom to the brand, it can be whatever it evolves into – just like the protests. Most importantly though, OM will ensure the protestors look good, so the next time they are on television, not only will their message be heard, whatever that is, but they will be presentable and fashionable’.
Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle has dismissed the partnership as a publicity stunt, ‘I think Mr Perry has had ample time to make his point. In all the years he has been in the public realm he has failed to ever make a point, so really I think it’s time he moved on and let someone else have a go’. Although it seems Doyle is a lone voice, with most declaring their support for Perry’s plan, ‘I believe if the protestors get behind Perry and his team, they will at least have one clear goal to work towards,’ said Victorian Premier Ted Baillieu, ‘…perhaps then they can establish other goals’. Federal opposition leader Tony Abbott has also weighed into the debate, ‘Look, uh, I think the uh, plan put forward by Mr Perry is a good one, but uh, we need to remember that this incompetent government and the carbon tax and the boats and the people smugglers and the Greens and Julia Gillard are to ones to blame here’.
The general feeling of the public was probably best summed up by Roy from Mulgrave on ABC talkback this morning, ‘The protestors have stated themselves they do not have a point, and Alex Perry has never had a point, so let’s hope that between them they may be able to conjure up at least half a reason for their existence’.