With the ALP leadership poll run and won this morning and a decisive victory for Julia Gillard (and Ranga’s across Australia), the question now is – where to for the so called dysfunctional, self interested, dictatorial, workaholic, demeaning, messianic former PM Kevin Rudd? Here is a list of possible jobs for our once loved PM…
President of Syria
If it is possible to find a less popular politician in the world right now, it has to be Bashar Al Assad of Syria, who has murdered around 7,000 civilians in the past 12 months. While many ALP members stated last week they would rather resign than work under Rudd, none have defected and taken up arms in a rebel army, so Rudd can take some solace from that – although the thought of a revolutionary armed resistance, led by Col. Peter Garrett, roaming the hills outside Canberra is pretty cool.
With a looming job vacancy in Syrian politics Kevin Rudd could draw on his experience as Foreign Minister, his appeal with the masses and his messianic complex to transform Syria from a dictatorial one party state to a… dictatorial one party state, Kevinruddistan.
Talk Show Host
If Rudd is tired of politics a move to the media could be on the cards. With the fortunes of Channel Ten taking a battering lately, following the axing of George Negus, the extension of the news-lite ‘The Project’ and installation of Andrew Bolt and Paul Henry (installations surely more dangerous to Australian households than Garrett’s pink batts) Rudd could draw on his alleged popularity with the Australian public and launch his own talk show – hell if Andrew Bolt and Paul Henry can get a gig, then anybody can.
However, with the likely scenario of guests refusing to appear on ‘The Rudd Report’, he could simply interview himself for an hour, something he should have no trouble doing.
Rudd could also put in a bid to host the 2013 Golden Globe awards; from all reports he could not do any worse than Ricky Gervais did this year.
If Rudd is feeling somewhat unloved after confirmation that his own party now officially hate him he can take some comfort from the fact his name is not Kyle Sandilands. If ‘The Rudd Report’ does not take off, perhaps ‘Mornings with Jackie O and K Rudd’ has potential..?
As a Mandarin speaking expert in sabotage and destruction with experience in the Foreign Ministry Rudd would be an ideal leader for the Uyghur separatist movement in North Western China. At the very least he would bring international attention to their cause, although many Uyghur leaders have already stated they would rather continue living under the repression and persecution of the Chinese State than be led by Kevin ‘Wilo’ Rudd.
Follow Mark Latham into obscurity and irrelevance
Following in the footsteps of another bitter, twisted and angry former ALP leader, Rudd could join Latham in whatever he is doing these days… is it too early for the ‘The Rudd Diaries’?
For years Kevin Rudd has denied reports he had an affair with a Belgian cocktail waitress and subsequently fathered the white haired child super sleuth Tintin, now, with the first big screen adaptation a success, Rudd could work for decades playing Tintin’s father in the imminent sequels, prequels and spin offs. Surely Spielberg and Cameron would not pass up the opportunity to work with such an experienced media performer whose resume includes Sunrise, The Today Show (with Logie award winning co host Karl Stefanovic) and Q and A.
Revive ‘Big Kev’ products
In 2005 Australia lost entrepreneur ‘Big Kev’ to a shock heart attack, if Rudd wants to get ‘excited’ again he could relaunch the line of ‘Big Kev’ products, be back on TV and get to wear a cool blue shirt.
Join the Coalition
If none of rebuilding Syria, hosting a talk show, selling cleaning products or leading the Uyghur separatist movement appeal to Kevin Rudd and he really wants to stay in Australian politics then he should join the Coalition, because they way things are going Abbott and co. will running the country in 12 months anyway…