Leading human rights and advocacy groups have this week called on Iraq’s government to condemn and put a stop to a new wave of killings which have been gathering momentum, popular support and now the attention of the Western media – officially making it a real problem.

Following on from the Kony 2012 campaign the world has a new cause to fight for this week – stopping the so called ‘Emu’ murders in Iraq.

For the uninitiated, the Emu subculture, popular with many teenagers in the West, involves young people dressing in black or grey, communicating in a monotonal, guttural fashion by manipulating their inflatable neck sacs and taking on a victim persona, akin to a bird who cannot fly.  In fact many ‘Emu kids’, as they are commonly referred to, feel they are ‘flightless birds’, held down by ‘the system’, a system that strips them of their virtual remex feathers, hollow bones and enhanced breastbone.

A youth sporting a haircut popular in the 'Emu' scene

Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International have been the leading voices behind the campaign to stop the murder of ‘Emu kids’ in Iraq.  ‘While we cannot condone the spread of the Emu subculture, we call on the government of Iraq to put a stop to these murders and rather than punish these young people, they should re educated out of this lame subculture,’ a spokesperson for HRW said this week, ‘…we realise the Iraqis do not want the Emu culture spreading across the country and making them the laughing stock of the Middle East, however we recommend state led re education as opposed to thugs and armed gangs taking the matter into their own hands’.

Iraq’s leading Islamic cleric, Ali Mohamed bin Nasser Said bin Hussein Mohamed al-Said Ali Akbar Muhammad, has been a outspoken opponent of the ‘Emu kids’, ‘We have seen how your children in the West have suffered terribly from having this lame subculture infiltrate and destroy them and we do not want it infecting our homelands.  We do not need our young people jeopardising their potential to sire children by wearing jeans many sizes to small for them, or corrupting their young fragile minds with ball-less music like Saves the Day, Bullet for my Valentine or The Get Up Kids, or using what little money they have on black hair dye and haircuts so shocking I could not even condone their use for the infidels rats of Abu Ghraib.  The children of Iraq should instead be studying the Koran at least 27 hours a day, listening to decent wholesome Iraqi musicians like Kadim al-Sahir and fighting to drive the remaining imperialist American pig dogs from our country’.

The cleric views, while controversial to many, are reflective of Iraqi society, with a recent poll showing that most Iraqis would sooner have Ali Hassan al-Majid aka ‘Chemical Ali’ back as the nations defence and interior minister than be subjected to Emu favourites ‘My Chemical Romance’ performing in Baghdad.

Somewhat paradoxically, Ali Akbar Muhammad has welcomed calls for disgraced US soldier Robert Bales to lead a government program aimed at ridding the country of ‘Emu kids’, ‘We know that when it comes to killing innocent children there is no better military to learn from than America’s and now that Sergeant Bales is taking leave from his position [in neighbouring Kuwait] we think he would be of great assistance solving our Emu problem in Baghdad’.

Sergeant Robert Bales: ready to tackle the 'Emu problem' of Baghdad

The United Nations says it has been monitoring the situation and is setting up a special task force, led by former emo, now UN diplomat-activist-campaigner-advocate-all-round-superstar-and-saviour-of-the-world Angelina Jolie.  Jolie, along with other Middle East experts such as George Clooney, Bono and Sean Penn, will front the Celebrity United Nations Taskforce and are widely expected, failing the implementation of a re education program, to recommend a safe haven be set up for Emu refugees in nearby Israel, where the Emu subculture is tolerated.  Failing that a reluctant US is considering resettling Emu refugees in Washington DC, where the so called ‘scene’ is said to have originated.

Whatever the outcome, all sides can at least agree that all young people should steer well clear of the Emu subculture, largely because of its lameness, which manifests in terrible fashion choices, ridiculous haircuts and shitty music.

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