When I heard that Channel Nine was going to be broadcasting a new show later this year and were scouring Australia for the most obnoxious, talentless, attention seeking, simple minded, socially retarded fuckwits we had to offer I wondered, what could this new show be all about?

Had they won the rights to broadcast Parliament question time, with Eddie McGuire replacing Slippery Pete in a renamed Hot Seat of Representatives?  Were they planning a behind the scenes reality style show on Collingwood cheer squad members who live in Frankston?  Were they producing a telemovie about the Corby family, with Holly Valance playing the lead role?  Then it dawned on me, how obvious – they must be bringing the Bolt Report to Channel Nine!  It was eventually revealed to be none of the above and sadly the announcement was even more depressing than all of those ideas – put together.

In the worst TV announcement since the confirmation that Two and a Half Men had a life beyond Charlie Sheen, or ‘America’s Matthew Newton’ as he is now known, Channel Nine have confirmed that following the London Olympics – where it will showcase some of the most talented and skilful people in the world – the station will be reviving the WORST. IDEA. EVER.  An idea so bad it gives credibility to the Backstreet Boys and NKOTB partnership.  An idea so torturous it makes a Nickleback concert seem like a pleasant way to spend an evening.  An idea so outrageous it makes Prime Minister Tony Abbott sound like a sensible flow of words.

Big Brother or an evening with Chad Kroeger & Nickelback?

What began as the TV equivalent of watching paint dry and a fascination with eavesdropping on mundane conversations by even more mundane people soon morphed into the search for Australia’s biggest dickface and if ever there was an argument for the reintroduction of eugenics Big Brother is surely it.

With the revamp of Big Brother, a program so painful to watch that it should be placed on the list of outlawed forms of torture, Channel Nine has effectively thrown up their hands and said, ‘We have run out of ideas!’  For what else could possibly justify the return of such a formulaic, predictable and mind numbingly boring show?  I mean, even another Underbelly series could not be as bad as resuscitating Big Brother.  I have had more fun accidentally drinking off milk than watching their manufactured controversy.

Things more fun than watching Big Brother:

  • Cutting someone else’s toenails
  • Having a poo after eating curry
  • Watching Kony 2012
  • Listening to Bindi Irwin
  • A One Direction concert
  • When you think you are finished in the toilet and then as soon as you put your pants back on a little bit of pee comes out

If there is one small glimmer of salvation from Big Brother 2012 it is that none of Gretel Killeen, Vile Sandilands or Jackie Ho will be bringing their alleged ‘personalities’ to our lounge rooms.  Hostess Sonia Kruger, who has also taken over Kerrie Anne’s morning gig, is apparently aiming to bring ‘substance’ to the show, however early reports of wannabe cast members include the mohawked ‘attention whore’ Matt Wronghead, Bendigo body-piercer Shantael Dryden (whose name I think is supposed to be Chantelle?) and this freak in a pink clown mask.  Mmm, overflowing with substance.

The only possible face saving that can justify Channel Nine’s decision is if they set up the Big Brother house in the abandoned Woomera detention centre, the intruders are a gang of homicidal maniacs armed with medieval dental instruments and the horde of brainless morons who gobble the show up are allowed in one at a time to try and save their favourite cast members.

If I see those promos, I might tune in.