Australia’s fascination, celebration and commoditisation of the previously harmless Bogan has reached new lows or rather, gone down in like a fully sick way eh bro?!

The Australian Bogan is fast transforming from a fun loving 70’s & 80’s zinc wearing, sports loving, beer swilling, witty, jovial character to the Lupus of Australian culture ‘a collection of autoimmune diseases in which the human immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissues.’

The debut of The Shire has rightfully disturbed many of the upright, coherent and thumbed amongst us.  Channel Ten – also responsible for a show invented for the question ‘Why?’ – Being Lara Bingle, assures us the characters in The Shire are real people.  If by real they mean living, breathing forms of life one step above amoebas (apologies to amoebas), then yes, technically they are correct.  Although if by ‘real people’ they mean an accurate representation of average Australians then, well, I hope they have someone to dress them each day.

The resemblance is like so uncanny, I’m just like OMG!

‘No actors!  No scripts!’ they proclaim in the promos.  This is merely code for ‘no talent’ and ‘no ability to read, understand or memorise any lines we could have written anyway.’

If you have had the displeasure of being exposed to the show’s two lead females Vernessa and Sophie, who should really, in the spirit of the show be named Sohfee or Soafeigh or in some other illiterate Bogan way, you can only hope Channel Ten will announce – and quickly – that these two have been taking us all for a ride.  For no two humans, a term I use loosely, can surely be so devoid of importance, relevance and interest, yet be so celebrated as holding these qualities.  Surely being exposed to these two simpletons constitutes a public health risk.  They should come with warning labels, like cigarettes.

Warning: Exposure to Sophie and Vernessa can affect your cognitive development.

Warning: Exposure to Sophie and Vernessa can result in driving a screwdriver into your ears.

Warning: Exposure to Sophie and Vernessa can result in loss of faith in humanity.

They don’t even have good looks to fall back on…

In this interview, with NOVA FM lackeys Wippa and Rachael Finch, they share with the listeners their philosophy on life, ‘alcohol equals stripper moves’, not quite Nietzsche’s Superman, although a close second and they muse over what implant to get next, a bum lift being the desired option.  Perhaps a brain implant would be more beneficial.

The Shire’s other cast members run like a roll call of Frankston Centrelink customers, including Nikee the waitress, Megan the stripper, Matt the ‘recruitment consultant’ (aka pimp?), Rif Raf the rapper, Beckaa the student and Michelka – who I am sure was supposed to be christened Michelle, but her parents coughed when they were telling the name registrar.

So if you are tired of life, tune in to The Shire.

See no sense, hear no sense, speak no sense

Wheresoever manners and fashions are corrupted, language is.  It imitates the public riot.’

Ben Jonson (not the Collingwood footballer)

Which brings us to the language of the Bogans.  I am epically annoyed about this constant overuse of the word epic.  If I have to read one more status update about someone’s epic night out or an ‘epic’ appearance tweet on QandA or some other every day, mundane occurrence described as epic I’ll epically go mad.

Epic is (a really good Faith No More song) but also, ‘noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style; resembling or suggesting such poetry; heroic; majestic; impressively great: the epic events of the war; of unusually great size or extent,’ so unless your Saturday night involved battling Ork armies in search of a magical ring hidden in the mountains of New Zealand or slaying armies and leading an overthrow of the Roman Republic or wandering the countryside with Kevin Costner – shut up with your epics!

Band slut, Mike Patton

…and since you asked. CAN. WE. STOP. WRITING. SENTENCES. LIKE. THIS. PLEASE?!  Not only are they ‘fragments which you should consider revising,’ but they are REALLY. ANNOYING. and do not add any extra punch to your message.  They do not make your message. ANY. MORE. EPIC.

…and while we are on the subject what is wrong with the word ‘love’?  Why can we not ‘love’ anything anymore, why do we have to ‘heart’ everything?  That damn Huckabees movie has a lot to answer for.  But maybe I am just mad about that because I don’t know how to type one of those hearts.


Update 15 Aug ’12 ––assaulted-police-say-20120815-248c6.html