Lance Armstrong’s world is crumbling around him. The drugs scandal engulfing the former world champion, dubbed ‘Oh-shit-my-former-teammates-are-turning-on-me-gate,’ has grown momentum quicker than an illegally injected muscle gains power and Armstrong’s credibility, heroism and standing have disintegrated quicker than a leper in a hurricane.
Following the evidence that Armstrong is the sporting worlds biggest ever cheat and thus owes an apology to anyone who has ever defended him, donated to him or listed him as a personal hero, come even more new and outrageous findings.
The first and most shocking, especially for Armstrong’s non sports fans, is that Lance Armstrong never had cancer. Not only did Lance Armstrong dupe (most) of the world by ‘winning’ seven Tour de France titles, he apparently did it after surviving testicular cancer. It is now obvious, in the face of the doping findings and Lance’s arrogant refusal to defend the allegations, that he has no balls, thus he could never have had cancer in them.
In what has been dubbed ‘Lancecancergate,’ personal medical records of Armstrong’s have been released through Wikileaks revealing photographic evidence of Armstrong’s ball-less-ness. The picture below not only confirms that Armstrong has no balls, but that due to his habitual steroid use, his manhood has disappeared completely, rendering him to a Ken-doll like state of smoothness where his fathering tools should be.
Amidst the excavation of Armstrong’s personal history has come another startling revelation – that Lance Armstrong is not actually Lance Armstrong. Dubbed ‘not-his-real-name-at-all-gate,’ secret Nike sponsorship documents have revealed that Lance Armstrong is indeed an alias and that the cyclist’s real name is Louis von Einhorn.
It has been revealed that the name ‘Lance Armstrong’ was taken from an American hiker who went missing in the Canadian Rocky Mountains in 1994, five years before Armstrong ‘won’ his first Tour. The secret documents reveal that Nike considered the name von Einhorn to be ‘too European’ for an American audience and that if Armstrong was going to dominate the sport, become a hero to millions and make an obscene amount of money for the company then he needed a more ‘American’ persona. Thus the seeds of the legend ‘Lance Armstrong’ were sown.
So who then, is Louis von Einhorn? Veteran journalist Bill Woodward, who broke the Richard Nixon / Watergate story in the 1970’s has been investigating Armstrong / von Einhorn for several years and has discovered evidence that Armstrong / von Einhorn is… not human at all.
In secret US government documents, that Woodward obtained by sifting through a dumpster in the alleyway behind the Pentagon, it is revealed that Lance Armstrong / Louis von Einhorn is actually a cyborg, based on the T-1000 used in the 1991 Terminator movie. The secret documents, dubbed ‘I’llbebackgate,’ reveal a colossal plan by the US government, Nike, Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator director James Cameron and several multinational pharmaceutical companies.
Together, they planned to build a super human-like athlete who could generate a massive and consistent stream of income through successive Tour victories, accompanying merchandise sales and donations from a gullible public to a global cancer charity. This revenue would then be used to develop various ‘performance enhancing’ drugs which were to be used by US soldiers fighting in the Middle East.
Cameron and Schwarzenegger were approached by the government to trial a prototype cyborg in the movie Terminator 2. Actor Robert Patrick, who is credited with playing the T-1000 character in Terminator 2, is rumoured to be Dmitri Vlahos a Russian nuclear scientist who defected to the US in 1988. It is believed that during a movie tour of Germany in 1993 Vlahos was captured by the KGB and executed, which is why he has never been seen or heard of again. Arnold Schwarzenegger, no stranger to performance enhancing drugs or lying, was rewarded for his part in the top secret plan by being given the Governorship of California, while director James Cameron was given plum directing jobs like Titanic, True Lies and Avatar – he was also shielded from criticism following Dark Angel.
Armstrong’s former teammates are said to be shocked by the news that their one time team captain and friend is actually a ball-less, lying, cheating cyborg, created for the sole purpose of generating revenue for the Nike and the US government to develop performance enhancing drugs for soldiers fighting in the Middle East. Fellow tour ‘winner’ Floyd Landis has also expressed his anger on behalf of Team Postal that they were used as guinea pigs in a secret operation headed by von Einhorn / Armstrong. In a tweet he wrote something which did not encompass his complete range of thoughts because he only had 140 characters to work with.