The Duchess of Cambridge is in Labour.

No, she hasn’t signed on to send asylum seekers to PNG, nor will she be standing as a ‘Captain’s Pick,’ in a safe NT seat, or campaigning for the ETS, she’s having a baby – haven’t you heard?!

The excitement over the birth of the unnamed ‘Royal Baby,’ who will be third in line for the throne, has reached lunatic proportions across the UK and on Australian commercial television.

Major betting agencies are offering odds on the sex, name and weight, while underground agencies are speculating on whether the baby with arrive head or feet first, how many hours Kate Middleton will be in labour, what will be done with the placenta, whether or not Prince William will faint and if the baby will be black.  The most lucrative combination odds are for a black baby boy named James Hewitt Hasnat Mountbatten Windsor, weighing 12 pounds, arriving head first after 17 hours in labour and when William recovers from fainting he will pose wearing a backwards baseball cap, with the placenta, on the cover of Women’s Weekly.

One self proclaimed ‘Royal Baby Watcher,’ which is a title he admits he will have to give up by the time the baby is a toddler, or he could attract the attention of the law, disagrees,

‘It will be a girl.  Its mother is a girl and its grandmother is a girl, so that’s what I think.  I have seen every Royal birth for the last eighty years.  My granddaddy took me to my very first birth.  Back in those days, we were allowed to go in and watch it come out, but you cannot do that these days, what with the security and all,’ said Reg Seymour, who has been camping out the front of the hospital for the past 12 days.

Reg: nothing better to do with his time.
Reg Seymour: nothing better to do with his time.

Camping alongside Reg was Jonathan Pickles, a former Catholic Priest, ‘I just love children, that’s why I’m here.’

Roger Lindeman who walked all the way from Edinburgh in Scotland to be present for the birth shared his thoughts, ‘I really like peanuts, but not so much when after the dog has licked them, it leaves a funny taste in your mouth, but I do like to wear socks on my ears and I am so happy that Queen Elizabeth is running in the Olympics.  I hope she wins.  Would you like a sandwich?  Just yesterday I think it was, or was it the day before?  I cannot remember anymore, so who are you?  I love lamp.’

Roger Lindeman
Roger Lindeman

Topping them all though is Betty Shurr, who has been waiting outside the hospital for 14 months, an impressive effort given that the Duchess was not even pregnant for the first 5 months Ms Shurr was waiting.

‘I just had a feeling you know and I really wanted to be first in line.  Everyone told me I was crazy, but I showed them!  My children and grandchildren have been bringing me soup and warm clothes to help me survive the winter months.  Over the past 14 months I have missed birthdays, Christmases, my only son’s wedding, my husband’s funeral and the birth of my first great grandchild, but now that dear Kate is in labour it somehow seems all worth it.’

Betty Shurr: vindicated after waiting 14 months.
Betty Shurr: vindicated after waiting 14 months.

The world waits…