MMXIII, the Chinese Year of the Snake, 2013. It has been another eventful year for planet earth and to reflect on the past twelve months I was joined by none other than God, creator of mankind and all the known universe, to get his perspective on the year that was.
OF: Thank you for taking time to meet with us, I know you have a busy schedule.
G: Not at all, it’s my pleasure, really.
OF: So, what are your overall thoughts on 2013? How would you rate the year?
G: Look, to be honest, it hasn’t one of my best. I have tried a few new tactics this year and quite a lot have backfired. Not a lot has gone to plan and I will be making some changes in 2014. Having said that, there are a few achievements I am proud of, most notably Jorge being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.
OF: Oh yes, Pope Francis, he has breathed quite a bit of life back into one of your most popular churches, definitely one of the year’s success stories.
G: A terrific story, Jorge has done a wonderful job, much better than that old Ratzinger fellow, he was awful and his beady eyes really freaked me out! Jorge is doing a much better job. He and I have made some big plans for 2014, so… watch this space.
OF: Sounds intriguing and what else has been a highlight for you in 2013?
G: The other highlights for me have been Edward Snowden and the phone tapping stories. It’s always great fun to throw in a curveball like Ed and some phone tapping – and then to watch everyone panic. It’s highly entertaining from up here, seeing all those powerful politicians losing their shit. ‘Oh no national security, national security! We’re sorry, we’ll never do it again.’ Ha ha ha, I will never tire of watching that!
Sometimes you have to have some fun you know. Like that horse meat lasagne thing at the start of the year, that was hilarious! All those mums and dads freaking out about their kids eating some harmless horse meat – if they only knew what was in Coke, Hot Dogs and McDonald’s, then they would be praying for horse meat lasagne!
Oh, and George, little darling Prince George, that was definitely a highlight, I was just so…
OF: I think we’ve heard just about enough of him haven’t we?
G: Oh, pardon me.
OF: Not a problem, so what other pranks have you played this year?
G: Oh wow, quite a few actually! Have you heard that song by Daft Punk? Get Lucky. I can’t believe so many people fell for that one! People actually voted that shite as ‘Song of the Year!’ Wow, some people are really messed up aren’t they?! No taste, no taste at all [shakes head]. I mean, that song does not have even one endearing quality. It’s repetitive, bland and carries an awfully sexist message, to be honest it is one of the most annoying fucking songs I have ever heard! I thought people would’ve learned after Crazy Frog all those years ago, but clearly they haven’t. And Miley Cyrus, that’s another prank that even I am growing tired of, I might have to do something about her next year. What’s that dance she does..?
G: Yeah, twerking that’s it! What the fuck is that? Why doesn’t she just quit the music industry and just become a stripper already, no wonder so many young girls are messed up. Twerking, pole dancing classes, lingerie football, sometimes I feel we are going backwards… and fast! Now with Miley, I thought people would’ve learnt not to give microphones to anyone in the Cyrus family, especially after Billy Ray and his Achy Breaky Heart, but some people just don’t bloody learn do they. I’ll have to do something about that ‘twerking’ dance. I’m pretty sure Satan had a hand in that one, I will have to have a hard word with him about it.
OF: If I could now turn your attention to one of the hot topics for the year and one which I am sure will dominate again in 2014, gay marriage. More and more countries have joined in legalising gay marriage, or ‘marriage equality,’ whilst others, namely Uganda, have moved in the opposite direction and have passed laws penalising homosexual activity with death.
G: Ok, just so there is no confusion, and this is on the record – I have no problem with gay people. I mean, if I did, why would I create them? That’s the easy part. I have and will continue to create all sorts of wicked people, but gay people are not one of them. I’m quite happy with them.
OF: And what of gay marriage?
G: Look, that’s for you guys on earth to figure out, and to be honest it’s a pretty easy one. I’ve got bigger issues to worry about, there has been so much political unrest in the world this year. Syria is still the big one, but I’m really running out of ideas there. That bastard Assad will just not give in, but with China, Russia and Iran behind him, why should he? I’m still hoping that bloody group of idiots called the UN will sort something out – lord knows I pay them enough. I would have thought the chemical weapons thing would have spurred someone on, but I guess not.
Africa is another item high on the agenda for 2014. I was quite happy with the French helping out in Mali earlier in the year. Those bloody Islamists really shit me, they burned all those manuscripts, destroyed ancient buildings and terrorised a lot of people – all in my name! Can you believe that?! I was not happy about that at all! But whatever I do, those radical little bastards keeping popping up all over the Sahel. We drove them from Somalia, well, most of them anyway, then they appear in Mali, Libya, Algeria, Nigeria, C.A.R. and even Kenya! Something really needs to be done to stop them, not just shift them around.
OF: Then there is Egypt, Iraq, South Sudan, the list goes on.
G: Yeah yeah, I know, I’ve got a lot of work to do. Thailand is flaring up again, Myanmar is unstable and Bangladesh has elections soon. On the upside Iran and Turkey are improving, but wow, I really fucked up in Australia didn’t I? Bloody hell, Tony Abbott, Scott Morrison, Christopher Pyne, oh dear, but at least that annoying little prat Kevin Rudd is gone.
Oh yeah, and I also have to ‘off’ that old bugger in Zimbabwe, Mugabe; I can’t let him out live Mandela. And while we’re on that, what the hell is with all those people on Twitter? I know there is this new fashion of being first to announce everything, but there were some people announcing his death in June! Gee, show some respect will you. But I’ve had a chat to Nelson since he joined me up here and he’s ok about it, you know, he’s forgiving and all that.
OF: And there are a few more up there with you this year…
G: Yeah, we have Hugo Chavez, now that was an accident and I’ve told Hugo as much, so we’re doing our best from up here to sort out Venezuela. We’ve also got that old bitch Thatcher – and you know what, I should left her down there a bit longer – what a handful she is! And there’s a few more, Lou Reed, Peter O’Toole, James Gandolfini, Ronnie Biggs, Chinua Achebe, Lee Rigby, that guy from Kris Kross and Jeff Hanneman – he’s a guitarist from a band called Slayer. They made a career out of hanging shit on me and I’d finally had enough. There is only so much I can take.
OF: And what about some of those who are not famous? There have been a number of tragic events this year, the Brasilian nightclub fire, the Rana Plaza in Bangladesh, flood victims in Mozambique and India, Algerian hostages, Filipino typhoon victims, hunger strikes in Guantanamo Bay, Nauru and Manus Island and North Koreans perishing in camps, just to name a few.
G: Look, it’s always hard when these things happen, but I am God after all and sometimes I have to ‘act.’ It’s part of my role as creator. You guys down there can help out anytime though, you can treat each other better – I did invent love you know! You can also pull your heads out on climate change, live more sustainable lives, give more to charity, actually keep all your new year’s resolutions – and stop bloody misinterpreting me so much!
OF: Sure, I’ll pass that on to the population. So if we change direction now, how have you seen the sporting endeavours of 2013?
G: As you know, I’m a big sports fan. I don’t have a lot of spare time, but when I do I’m always on the couch watching sports. Unfortunately, the off field dominated too much once again, but that cheating prick Lance Armstrong finally got what he deserved, then there was the Blade Runner murder trial, Boston marathon bombings and the AFL ‘annus horribilis.’ Besides that though there was plenty to celebrate. I’m a keen tennis fan and it was great to see ‘Rafa’ win another French Open, Andy Murray finally triumph at Wimbledon and Serena Williams win another two Grand Slams. In cricket, I’m sad to see Tendulkar and Kallis retire, but it’s comforting to see the English losing again, especially to an ad hoc Aussie side. And the English football competition is far more interesting now, without Man U dominating and it was nice to see Nigeria finally win the African Cup of Nations once again. Overall, it hasn’t been a huge year, so I’m really looking forward to the World Cup next year.
OF: I imagine you’ll be paying a lot of attention to Brasil in the lead up to the World Cup and Olympics.
G: Yeah, Brasil is one of my proudest creations, as is much of South and Latin America. I’ll be keeping an eye on them, but no more than others, if South Africa can run the World Cup without too much of my help, then so can the Brasilians.
OF: I’m sure they’ll do a great job. If we can look another one of your favourite creations, a little further away, it’s been a big year for Mars. What are you expecting for 2014?
G: Aah yes, Mars. You guys have been snooping around quite a bit up there haven’t you? And even the Chinese are in on the space act now. I’ve been keeping a close eye on your adventures on Mars and I must say it keeps me thoroughly entertained. I still enjoy watching Total Recall with Arnie, you earthlings have an excellent imagination! But why it was remade with Colin Farrell I will never understand, the originals are always so much better, I mean, why would you remake… oh, I’m sorry, I’m getting off topic now…
OF: No problem, I didn’t see the need for a remake either.
G: Yes, anyway, now I don’t want to give too much away about Mars, that would spoil all the fun for all you guys down on earth. But I will say that you’ve made a good start, keep it up [winks].
OF: That’s good to know. So, before we move on to 2014, do you have any final thoughts on 2013?
G: I think we’ve covered it pretty well. As I said earlier, I don’t rate 2013 as one of my finest years, even this year’s batch of red hasn’t turned out all that well. But you know, not every year can be a winner.
OF: No, that’s for sure. So what can we expect in 2014?
G: Look, I would really like to see the whole Syrian thing wrap up, it’s gone on for far too long now. I’m also expecting a big year from North Korea, so I would keep an eye on them, let’s see how that fat little idiot Kim Jong Un goes with a little bit more pressure. There are some huge elections coming up next year too, Thailand, Egypt, Turkey, Iraq, India, South Africa and USA just to name a few. It’s going to be an exciting year, that’s for sure!
Then there is the World Cup, I won’t tell you who the winner will be, but being in South America I wouldn’t be surprised to see a ‘local’ team win, if you know what I mean. The Sochi Winter Olympics will be fascinating too, I’m really looking forward to Pussy Riot’s antics. With all the other sports I’ll be taking a hands-off approach, just to see what happens, I do like surprises.
Of course I’ll be sending you all many more natural disasters, it’s not a part of my job that enjoy, but it is necessary. As I said before though, you could make it easier on yourselves and do something about climate change, but whatever, it’s your existence…
I’ll also be doing my bit to clean up some of this crap you call ‘entertainment,’ like Miley Cyrus, that arrogant bloody Kanye West and his brainless wife Kim – you know I’m more proud of creating bellybutton fluff than her – seriously, what was I thinking?! There’s a whole long list on my fridge, but you guys also need to buy in to make it work.
Tthere’ll be lots of other surprises to come, that’s for sure. Oh yeah, there is one thing I can guarantee – Russell Brand won’t be leading any revolutions.
OF: Thanks for your time God, we’re all really looking forward to 2014.
G: My pleasure, have a happy new year.