EXCLUSIVE: In what is believed to be a world first, British man Richard Cock-Hornfellow recently climbed Africa’s highest mountain, Tanzania’s Mt Kilimanjaro, without raising money for charity.

While Mr Cock-Hornfellow’s name has aroused childish sniggering, his actions have provoked self righteous outrage amongst breakfast television hosts, retired footballers and politicians, all of whom have ascended Africa’s highest peak and ‘…in the process raised thousands of dollars for a variety of charities, orphanages and schools.’

Mr. Cock-Hornfellow’s fellow climbers all expressed shock at his decision and disbelief that he could complete the trek ‘…without even raising awareness of a cause.’  Frenchman Pierre de Botton used his climb to raise money for the Parisian Environmental Network In Senegal or P.E.N.I.S, while American teenager Summer Hope Chastity Bindy Cindy Mindy Faith John-Michaels was dedicating her climb to Swing Well, a California based charity working with bullied and socially outcast monkeys.  Such was the ill feeling of one traveller, Australian Tiffany Robinson, who is on a self described ‘personal journey of spiritual growth and enlightenment through connection with the children of Africa’ that she delayed her trek by one week.  Tiffany plans to spend the week ‘connecting spiritually and emotionally with the children of Africa by living in a remote Maasai village and sharing my journey with the people there and learning about their culture.’

Mr Cock-Hornfellow atop Mt Kilimanjaro, Tanzania
Mr Cock-Hornfellow atop Mt Kilimanjaro, Tanzania

In a further development, Mr Cock-Hornfellow disclosed in a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, that he had not even considered the idea of linking his climb to any fundraising venture, stating that he simply wanted a holiday, ‘Is it not possible to just take a holiday in Africa without having to volunteer or raise money for sick children, orphaned elephants or to build a bloody school?’

It was a question which he would come to regret, almost as much as his decision years earlier when he had drunk one too many pints of Guinness and spent the night with a Ukrainian cocktail waitress only to discover a burning sensation when urinating the following week, although that my friends is a story for another time.  Upon posing his rhetorical question to the American TV deity, Mr Cock-Hornfellow was met with a tirade of abuse from the host and boos from the partisan crowd, of the type usually reserved for those who write fictional accounts of their drug addictions and then sell millions of books only to be exposed as a fraud on national television.

Following his dressing down from Oprah and her audience, Mr Cock-Hornfellow farted loudly, scratched his crotch then took off his shoes and threw them into the crowd before being escorted from the premises.

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