With the boats stopped and the borders now secure, social media is the new battleground for Australia’s greatest ever Prime Minster Tony Abbott and his talented, attractive and charming cabinet.

Public servants, who really should feel honoured at the once in a lifetime opportunity to be serving the government of Sir Anthony of Warringah, have been instructed not to criticise ministers, policies or members of other political parties.

The PM proudly showing off his new sneakers
The PM proudly showing off his new sneakers

While speaking ill of ministers and government policies is obviously impossible, given their sheer talent, wisdom, benevolence and good sense, the extension to banning criticising of opposition members is a prime example of the adult nature of the government we are now ruled by.

'I like bananas,' said the PM on the 2013 campaign trail.
‘I like bananas,’ said the PM on the 2013 campaign trail.

Ungrateful public servants who have the audacity to condemn the Abbott government and their policies – which include detaining children in detention on Nauru, scrapping the carbon tax and mining tax, selling Medibank private, scrapping section 18C of the racial discrimination act, reducing Gonski funding, repealing part of Tasmania’s Wilderness World Heritage Area and continuing the NT intervention introduced by the, surely soon to be knighted, Sir John Winston Howard – will face swift and severe punishment including the rack, a public flogging or being sent to live in Tasmania.

'I lost my socks, have you seen them?'
‘I lost my socks, have you seen them?’

For those anti-regime scallywags who wish to hide their online identity, they will be at the mercy of their colleagues, who will be encouraged, in the great Australian tradition, to dob them in.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott with Immigration Minister Scott Morrison
Prime Minister Tony Abbott with Immigration Minister Scott Morrison

Unsurprisingly the bleeding hearts lefties have taken to social media to vent their disapproval, screeching like the banshees they are about free speech and blah blah blah, however the newly appointed Human Rights Commissioner Tim Wilson has supported the directive and summed up the situation perfectly, saying that, ‘Ultimately public servants voluntarily and knowingly choose to accept these limits on their conduct when they accept employment,’ and has cited other examples to support his stance such as Palestinian Soda Stream workers, Bangladeshi garment manufacturers and manual labourers in North Korea.

Tony Abbott shortly after inserting the suppository of wisdom.
Tony Abbott shortly after inserting the suppository of wisdom.
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