There really is only one winner from ‘Budget 2014,’ well apart from big business and the wealthy, and that is the undead and soulless, no not Scott Morrison’s electorate – Zombies.

Here is why it is now better to be a Zombie…

I – Zombies are undead, so they have no reason to visit the GP and do not have to pay $7 per visit.

II – Joe Hockey’s #budget2014 increased defence spending by 6% (one of the only areas to increase) this, along the 58 new Joint Strike fighter jets and Operation Border Force, will mean than nobody can invade Australia.  Ever.  Until the end of all time. So nobody can kill you, not that you would die anyway, because you are a Zombie.

III – Zombies walk everywhere, so will not be worried about the increase in fuel prices.

IV – Zombies do not go to university, so do not have worry about increased university fees, an increased rate of repayment or higher interest on HECS.

Ok, some Zombies do study Arts degrees
Ok, some Zombies do study Arts degrees

V – Zombies have no need for a pension, as all they desire in life is braaains… and more braaaains, thus they do not value time with their grandchildren (unless it involves eating braaains) nor do they tire from decades of physical work (even in their never ending quest for braaains) – so Zombies are indifferent to the increased pension age of 70.

VI – Zombies are unaware that many people outside of Australia are really really poor, like reeeaally poor, they cannot afford even the basic necessities – like cigars and Penfold’s Grange – so they will not notice that the foreign aid budget has been slashed.

VII – Although Zombies are always unemployed they do not collect welfare and not a burden on the taxpayer, so it is of no consequence to them whether they need to wait six months before qualifying for the dole.

VIII – Zombies do not go to school, so the level of C/Gonski funding will not affect on them, although it might see a dip in the quality of braaains they consume.

What hope for these Zombie children?
What hope for these Zombie children?

IX – Zombies, generally, do not watch or listen to ABC or SBS (although they are fanatical about Channel Ten’s ‘Wake Up’ and a few have occasionally tweeted to #qanda), overall though most Zombies will not notice the cuts to the ABC or SBS.

X – Finally, being the undead soulless creatures they are, Zombies are more likely to relate to and understand those who produced the budget.

Cigar anyone?
Remember, we’re all in this together – lifting, not leaning.