The much feared Zombie apocalypse, where the planet is overrun by mindless, brain eating sub-humans, has officially arrived.
Business executive Bill Jenkins became the latest victim this month, when, instead of wishing his children a good day at school, he hoped that, ‘in the current climate you are able to engage with the core values of your educational institution and face the robust and complex challenges that confront you as you move forward throughout the day.’
Upon hearing this uncharacteristic outburst, his wife Trisha immediately contacted emergency services however by the time they arrived it was too late. Paramedics discovered Bill explaining to his distraught wife that he was simply ‘engaging’ with his children and his ‘objective’ was to ‘value add’ to their day and that she should ‘adopt a more flexible and proactive approach’ to raising children and have ‘a staunch focus on the core deliverables.’
Since her husband’s Zombification, Mrs Jenkins has launched a national awareness campaign, in an attempt to save others from the fate which beset her family. ‘ThusSpake’ was launched this month and Mrs Jenkins hopes the campaign can eventually become an international movement, saving families across the globe. ‘ThusSpake’ has no mission statement, business charter or ‘service delivery model,’ instead the campaign website contains real life video testimonials and a list of phrases which may indicate Zombification including ‘moving forward,’ ‘upskill,’ ‘future proof,’ ‘core values,’ ‘skill set’ and ‘track record.’
Only weeks before her husband succumbed, their neighbour Joshua Banks was also affected. At a dinner party Mr Banks asked the guests if they would like to ‘enhance’ their meal with gravy, whether the entrée had a ‘direct impact’ on them and what the ‘outcome’ was to their ‘desert experience.’ When he proposed to ‘contribute to the diversity of the evening’ by serving coffee his wife called an end to it and the guests were asked to leave. Mrs Jenkins says she now fully understands the warning signs of Zombification and has implored others not to ignore them.