Australia’s Socceroos kick off their World Cup campaign against Chile next weekend, before coming up against reigning champions Spain and 2010 runners up The Netherlands.

Captained by Crystal Palace midfielder Mile Jedinak, the chances of the Socceroos advancing to the group stage are about as good as Stephen Hawking twerking and their presence in the World Cup finals is about as threatening as Richmond’s is in the AFL finals. Sportsbet are currently offering shorter odds on Masterchef host Matt Preston sharing his food, contestants on The Voice displaying genuine talent and Christopher Pyne getting laid.

Pressure has been mounting on Coach Ange Postecoglou and the Australian camp ever since their unconvincing 1-1 draw against South Africa in Sydney last month. The Bafana Bafana failed to qualify for the World Cup after being defeated by Ethiopia, a side ranked 70 places below them. Ethiopia was eventually defeated by perennial disappointments Nigeria, for a place in Brasil.

Earlier this year the Socceroos unveiled the design of their World Cup uniform which pays homage to Peter Wilson’s trailblazing 1974 squad, the the first Australian team to play at a World Cup, in West Germany.

The 1974 Socceroos team
The 1974 Socceroos team

The 2014 Socceroos are also planning to emulate the 1974 team by not scoring a goal throughout the whole tournament, a feat achieved by Algeria and Honduras in the 2010 South African World Cup, where even lowly North Korea managed to score once. It remains to be seen whether anyone in the team will grow mullets, mutton chops or dirty porno moustaches.

Marco Bresciano and Michael Zullo model the 2014 uniform
Marco Bresciano and Michael Zullo model the 2014 uniform

Jedanik spoke of the team’s tribute to the 1974 team last week, before boarding a flight to Rio, ‘By being drawn in the same group as Spain, The Netherlands and Chile, going goalless at the tournament should not prove too difficult. If everything goes to plan we will also fail to qualify for the World Cup for the next 28 years, but right now we’re just take it one loss at a time.’

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