You’ve done the ‘What kind of dog am I?’ quiz and the ‘Which celebrity will I marry?’ survey, but you still feel unfulfilled, there is an unanswered question burning away inside you, what you really want to know is – What type of lettuce am I?

What is your favourite colour?

  1. White
  2. Red
  3. Blue
  4. Green
  5. My favourite colour is black and it is not an option, furthermore, white is the first colour listed, this quiz is racist

Do you prefer the texture of

  1. Cheese
  2. Mayonnaise
  3. Tomatoes
  4. Ham
  5. What I do in the privacy of my own home is nobody’s business but my own

What is your favourite lettuce pun?

  1. Lettuce pray
  2. Lettuce eat
  3. Leaf it alone
  4. Just be cos
  5. Did you know on twitter there is #lettucepun, wow some people are wasting their lives

As a lettuce seed would you prefer to be raised by

  1. Commercial pesticides
  2. Compost
  3. Animal waste
  4. Organic, inner city hipster human waste (mostly kale, pumpkin seeds and craft beer)
  5. A mother and a father, because a nuclear family is the most wholesome environment to raise lettuces

Would like to be an ingredient on a pizza?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. I don’t have the cognitive capacity to imagine myself as a potential pizza ingredient
  4. Can I phone a friend?
  5. This question is silly, who puts lettuce on a pizza?

Have you or any members of your family, any friends or anyone you have ever met in your entire life visited Iraq or Syria in the past 6 months?

  1. Yes, um no… I mean, well sort of, actually I – no
  2. No sir… uh, why do you need those rubber gloves?
  3. Wha… what?!
  4. Yes, but it’s ok as I was supplying arms to the PKK
  5. What does this question have to do with lettuce?

*There is no need to be alarmed, please answer this question truthfully, if you have done nothing wrong then you have nothing to hide*

What sunk the Titanic?

  1. Rocket
  2. Iceberg
  3. Butterhead
  4. Tinder finger
  5. Poor acting

What is your favourite type of bread?

  1. White
  2. Multigrain
  3. Wholemeal
  4. Naan
  5. I only eat organic, soy based gluten and wheat free bread alternatives, because I’m a bearded, skinny jean wearing inner city hipster

If you were a piece of lettuce and were to be placed between two pieces of bread would you want it to be:

  1. Salad sandwich
  2. Hamburger
  3. BLT
  4. Cockmeat sandwich
  5. After participating in this quiz I no longer want to imagine myself as a lettuce

Why are you doing this quiz?

  1. Because I am bored at work
  2. I’m in hospital and sick of watching Bold and the Beautiful
  3. I did the ‘Which kind of STD are you?’ quiz and was disappointed with the results (I got throat gonorrhoea) so I thought finding out what kind of lettuce I am was a safer option and would make me feel better
  4. I thought it was a real quiz
  5. I really want to know what kind of lettuce I am


If by this stage you are tallying your results, hoping for an answer to the question, then you seriously need to find better things to do with your time, but if you still really, really want to know what kind of lettuce you are, here you go…

Mostly A’s Cos

Mostly B’s – Iceberg

Mostly C’s – Rocket

Mostly D’s – Butterhead

Mostly E’s – Romaine