In the lead up to the 154th running of the Melbourne Cup, bookmaker Tom Waterhouse is set to reclaim his position as ‘Australia’s Most Hated Man.’
Waterhouse burst onto the scene in 2012 and quickly assumed the mantle of Australia’s most hated man, with one of the most smug and punchable faces in the country, surpassing the legendary Christopher Pyne and liberal up and comer Wyatt Roy.
A recent Senate estimates committee heard that Waterhouse’s infamous television advertisements have been used to illicit confessions from Guantanamo Bay inmates, proving a more effective method than waterboarding, testicle electrocution and removing fingernails with pliers.
In the past 24 months Waterhouse has stayed atop the ‘most hated’ polls, jostling for top position with several federal politicians, sexist sportsmen and Kyle Sandilands.
Current title holder, Bachelor bad boy Blake Garvey, expects Waterhouse to reclaim the title sometime after midday when, after dozens of excruciating commercials have been aired, Waterhouse plans to run a banner ad across Jennifer Hawkins’ ‘Fashions on the Field’ welcome speech, ensuring he will infuriate a large proportion of men and women simultaneously.
Garvey, who has held the title since dumping Sam Frost for fellow contestant Louise Pillidge, is happy to hand over the crown, stating, ‘Nobody deserves this honour more than Tom. He really is Australia’s number 1 dickhead right now. Every time I see his face, my right hand clenches involuntarily. When I hear his voice I look for sharp objects to pierce my ear drums. It will be great to see him back at the top.’
Waterhouse, unable to pass up an opportunity to make a dollar, has released odds on his reclaiming the title, offering punters the alternative options of Immigration Minister Scott Morrison, Cardinal and paedophile protector George Pell, possibly dead ISIS recruiter Mohammad Ali Baryalei and former national treasure Rolf Harris. Despite the tough competition Waterhouse is still expected to reclaim the title.