Australian whines are increasingly forging a reputation as some of the best in the world, even overtaking the traditional whines of the British and French.

Abbott’s ‘Captain’s Pick’ Chardonnay, 1957

Hunter Valley (NSW)

After a disastrous 2014 for the Abbott Estate, expectations are higher in 2015, at least internally. This year’s release sees the whinemaker throwback to the glorious decade of Australian White Whines, the 1950’s. Celebrating with a release from his year of birth, ‘Captain’s Pick’ is described as full bodied, loud and aggressive, although a whine which leaves a bitter aftertaste and often induces feelings of regret. Abbott’s is best served cold, by a woman and enjoyed in the company of other males at a round table.

Enjoy an Abbott's today!
‘…so I said, stop talking and go wash the dishes!’

Shorten’s ‘Zinger’ Cabernet Sauvignon, 2010

Macedon Ranges (VIC)

One of Australia’s fastest growing whines, Shorten’s Estate is one of the main rivals to Abbott’s position in the market. In contrast to the Abbott Estate, Shorten’s whines are less conspicuous, softer, gentler, some say almost non-existent in flavour, volume and message. Nevertheless, Shorten’s ‘Zinger’ is a taste that many are warming to across the country, having grown tired of the abrasive and inconsistent Abbott releases. Best drinking will be in the second half of 2016.

Lambie’s ‘Aqrubehtnab’ Riesling, 2014

Tamar Vallley (TAS)

A stunning debut in 2014 saw the Lambie Estate announce themselves as one of the purest, fiercest and most controversial White Whines Australia has seen in some time. After splitting from the Queensland owned Palmer Group, Lambie’s are primed to come into their own in 2015 with their unique brand of whinemaking. Made from 100% Australian made and grown ingredients and famously not for export or halal certification, Lambie’s ‘Aqrubehtnab’ is sure to set tongues wagging again in 2015.

Clarke’s ‘Captaincy’ Sauvignon Blanc, 2001

Riverina Region (NSW)

After struggling for years to establish themselves as a serious contender, Clarke’s Estate finally gained industry wide recognition and respect in 2012. With the release of the universally lauded ‘Double Century’ series, Clarke’s rapidly established a stranglehold on their position in the market. Although after only a brief period at the top, the neighbouring Smith Estate is threatening to overtake Clarke’s as the preferred whine of Australian cricket fans. Best drinking will be in June and July 2015.

Ford’s ‘Pub Chair’ Shiraz, 1997

Yarra Valley (VIC)

Hailing from Victoria, the Ford Estate is one of Australia’s fastest growing and most outspoken whines. Made organically and sustainably and by an all female topless lesbian man-hating work force with underarm hair, this year’s Shiraz release is described as ‘a powerful statement about the status of whines in the 21st century.’ First time consumers of Ford whines may initially find the taste overbearing, but experts say there is a lot to like about some of their releases. For the uninitiated, Ford’s are known for leaving the skins of grapes in the bottle, because ‘that’s the way nature intended.’

Whinemaker Clementine Ford
Whinemaker Clementine Ford

Turnbull’s ‘It’s Time’ Chamboucin, 1972

Shoalhaven Coast (NSW)

The Turnbull Estate has not produced a top shelf whine for many years now. Insiders believe 2015 could be the year of resurrection. Channelling the spirit of another famous Australian whinemaker, Turnbull’s ‘It’s Time’ is sure to find some support in 2015, especially when it comes into full maturity in the second half of the year.

Lumumba’s ‘The Prince’ Merlot, 1986

Mornington Peninsula (VIC)

Formerly known as O’Brien’s, Lumumba Estate’s came to national prominence in 2014, following its split from McGuire Corp and relocation to Roos United Brewery. Employing whine techniques from South America, Africa and Europe, Lumumba’s unique production method has left many traditional Australian whinemakers baffled and confused, unable to understand the flavours and message behind the whines. Lumumba has promised a more subtle approach in 2015, yet its whines should still feature prominently.

Brandis’ ‘Metadata’ Pinot Gris, 2014

Orange (NSW)

The Brandis Estate has been selling steadily on the Australian market for many years, with occasional surprise successes. 2014 was a particularly strong year for the whinemaker, with the release of ‘Bigots’ Riesling, a whine ‘to be enjoyed by everyone’ and ‘Savage Club’ Shiraz, a premium release. In 2015 the Brandis Estate will unveil it’s highly anticipated ‘Metadata’ Pinot Gris. Reviewers around the country have struggled to explain the whine, yet admit they cannot stop consuming it. Brandis describes the whine as ‘not the grapes that are used, but the ingredients of the whine’ that makes it so special.

Brandis unveils
Whinemaker Brandis unveils his new range of award winning whines

Hockey & Cormann’s ‘Girly Man’ cigar range

An excusive release in 2015 is the Hockey & Cormann cigar range. The premium range cigars have a nutty flavour and a strong, unsympathetic aftertaste that seemingly lingers forever. At the bargain price of $3,499 per dozen, they are affordable to even the most amateur consumers. A ‘Girly Man’ cigar is best enjoyed in the company of other wealthy white males, with a glass of Brandis’ ‘Savage Club’ Shiraz and the liberating feeling that comes with having broken promises.

Entitlement never tasted so sweet
Don’t be a girly man, light up today!
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