In a bid to ease the collective panic which has swept Australia since Adam Goodes celebrated with his ‘war dance,’ the AFL have succumbed to public pressure and in 2016 will introduce ‘White Round.’

Adam Goodes performing his 'war dance' during Indigenous Round
Adam Goodes performing his ‘war dance’ during Indigenous Round

‘White Round,’ which will run over two consecutive weeks, will showcase a celebration of white culture and its contribution to the game.  Pre-game entertainment will feature Dermott Brereton, Damian Monkhorst, Sam Newman and Peter Everitt recounting the times when they racially vilified indigenous players and how sorry they are, but it was the culture of the time and it was all about winning and really they are good blokes who just made a mistake, so come one, don’t go on about it.

Sam Newman on the Footy Show in 1999
Sam Newman on the Footy Show in 1999

A special president’s lunch will be co-hosted by Andrew Bolt, Australia’s pre-eminent defender of free speech and sometimes-racist Eddie McGuire, who in 2013 likened Adam Goodes to King Kong, days after a 13 year old called him an ‘ape,’ but she’s just a kid and Goodes should not have been so sensitive and don’t anyone mention her parents, who for some reason could not bring her up well enough to know that calling a black man an ape is wrong, but the main point is that Adam Goodes shouldn’t pick on children, especially young girls, what a bully.

Triple MMMoron Eddie McGuire
Triple MMMoron Eddie McGuire

The AFL has also instructed each team to prepare a commemorative guernsey for ‘White Round.’  Carlton’s jumper will feature a white flag on a blue background however that has more to do with their current state of play, than anything to do with the theme.  Meanwhile, Collingwood will for the first time play in a guernsey without the traditional black & white stripes.  Instead a large white ‘C’ will adorn the players’ chest, representing their first hundred years of existence, in which they never recruited an indigenous player.  Other club designs are believed to be heavily influenced by the Australian flag, AC/DC, beer logos and tits.

At three quarter time all indigenous players will be required to substitute out of the game (in place of a white player), to symbolise the shortened life expectancy of indigenous Australians.  White players will also be exempt from report for offences against non-whites and goal celebrations are expected to include the sprinkler, lawnmower and boot scooting, none of which will ‘incite,’ ‘confront’ or ‘intimidate’ the crowd.

At the conclusion of all matches the winning team will not sing their team song, however join the opposition in the middle of the ground, change into Bintang singlets and chant ‘Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!’ three times before getting pissed and going out to pick up some chicks.

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