An internal report completed by Islamic State management has found serious and ongoing breaches of Occupational Health & Safety regulations.

Leaked internal documents highlight the dangerous workplace conditions to which terrorist fighters are exposed, while waging their daily jihad against the Western imperialist, Jewish loving, infidel pig-dogs. The aptly named Seif Worque Plaize, a French-Algerian defector and nominated ISIS safety officer, is quoted as saying, ‘Attacking and destroying the way of life of Western nations is important, but it must be carried out safely.’

Some of the findings outlined in the report include, 6 out 10 terrorists do not know where to locate the emergency meeting point, out of date food is frequently left in the fridge and a first aid kit audit found it had not been adequately re-stocked after the taking of Tikrit. However the most serious breaches were:

Overcrowded workspaces: As can be seen in the picture below, overcrowding, especially when producing promotional materials, has become a serious problem for ISIS. It is estimated that the bunker in which this video was shot was built for a maximum of 22 people, yet almost double that number can be seen here. The report also points out the dangerously high noise levels upon the pronouncements of ‘Allah Akbar,’ to which repeated exposure can cause hearing loss later in life.

Australian Abdullah Emir and others in an ISIS video
Australian Abdullah Emir and others in an ISIS video
Serious overcrowding in ISIS workspaces
An accident waiting to happen: serious overcrowding in ISIS workspaces

Vehicle safety: Overcrowding of vehicles, transportation of weaponry and the general cleanliness of pool cars present ongoing safety issues for fighters. Many jihadis have received scratches, grazes and cuts after falling over the sides of trucks or rummaging through piles of machine guns, many have reported rubbish left in communal vehicles, while others are perilously close to losing their demerit points, leaving them not only in danger of losing their license but also, being judged by Allah.

How am I supposed to find anything in here?
How am I supposed to find anything in here?
They're not dodgem cars guys!
They’re not dodgem cars guys!

Trip hazards: Numerous examples of trip hazards were documented throughout the internal audit. Prayer mats with frayed edges were not rolled up and put away after prayer time. Boxes were not stacked properly, nor always stored in designated areas. Furthermore, they were not labelled correctly, so terrorists did not know whether they were opening a box of photocopy paper or hand grenades.

Office safety: Due to the haste with which many ISIS office spaces have been set up, wiring to desktop PCs is often left exposed, becomes tangled and iphone chargers frequently go missing. There have also been many complaints of terrorists with sore backs, due to the shortage of ergonomic chairs, while terrorists in the ISIS IT department reported cases of RSI, due to the frequent re-registering of Twitter accounts. These issues have been highlighted as a significant drain on morale and are reportedly a common topic of discussion around the water cooler.

Slips & falls: Many terrorists have reported slips, falls and near misses. The safety team highlighted different cultural practices regarding toilet etiquette, field terrorists trudging wet boots through communal space and others not removing their balaclavas when pouring drinks in the tea room.

Chemical storage: One of the most worrying issues arising from the report concerned the safe storage of chemical products in the workplace. It found that medicines, cleaning products and chemical weapons were stored in the same storeroom. It is estimated that at least two fighters were martyred when given chlorine gas instead of anaesthetic, while others were found to been mistakenly injected with Draino instead of tetanus. An immediate overhaul has been ordered.

What a mess: ISIS warehouse in Syria
What a mess: ISIS warehouse in Syria

Since the release of the report, the ISIS safety team have sent a memorandum of understanding throughout the organisation, with the key message that ‘Your destiny is in the hands of Allah, but safety is everybody’s responsibility.’