The Zombie apocalypse is one of the fastest spreading viruses in the world, with those infected often unaware of their symptoms. Next month is Zombie apocalypse awareness month, where those free from this dreadful condition can alert sufferers and assist them with a cure and future prevention.
Diane Morrissey remembers when she first became aware of her husband illness.
‘I can never forget that day,’ she recalls, ‘we had just finished a lovely family dinner together and Greg was putting the children to bed. I stopped at the edge of the door and listened to him talking to Scott, our eldest.’
She pauses and the tears well in her eyes as she recalls the memory.
Through sobs Diane continues, ‘he was just ten at the time, he didn’t know any better. He didn’t understand what his Daddy was saying, he thought it was normal, he thought all Daddy’s talked like that. I overheard Greg, he asked our Scott if he had “achieved his core outcomes for the day” and whether he was “engaging with blue sky thinking” to “enhance” his “learning capacity,” – oh it was awful… and when he said he would help Scott “upskill” as he “moved forward” I lost all control. I grabbed Greg by the arm and marched him into the kitchen. Scott had no idea what was going on. Greg and I talked for hours.’
‘At first, Greg was in denial, explaining that raising children required “multiple and complex approaches” and his “strategic objective” was to “add value” to his children’s lives. I cried all night, pleading with Greg to get help. Eventually he did and he has now mostly recovered. There are times when he lapses and thanks me for helping him “move forward,” but on the whole he is doing really well.
Jim Moss, a journalist living in Melbourne’s Eastern suburbs, had tragedy strike twice in his family, with his wife Brenda and daughter Gillian both succumbing to the virus. He recalls the Christmas of 2009.
‘It was your typical Christmas lunch, the sun was shining and everyone was having a lovely time. Then I overheard Gillian as she was passing a plate of seafood to her auntie and uncle. “Auntie, would you like some prawns and you know, it is best practice to dip them in the sauce, it will enhance the outcome of your experience.” Then to her uncle, “Uncle, how is the beer impacting you? Would you like to contribute to the diversity of the overall meal and try a champagne next?” I tell you, I almost knocked the snags of the barbeque! I raced over and ushered her inside, Brenda followed close behind. “Jim, what’s the matter?” she cried out.’
‘Did you hear her Gillian? Did you hear how she was talking – it’s a sign!’
‘Jim, calm down, take a helicopter view of the situation. Brenda is simply employing best practice to ensure this Christmas is synergising and meeting all the KPI’s a family Christmas should, now let her return and we can continue with this conversation offline.’
Jim’s hands shake as he recounts the ordeal, ‘I’ve had some bad Christmases, I mean really bad – when I was 13 grandma caught me wanking in the bathroom, when I was 24 Uncle Bob had a heart attack halfway through his steak, luckily he survived and two years ago baby Jack vomited all over the roast lamb, but that Christmas, that was the worst Christmas ever.’
Health organisations warn that the Zombie apocalypse virus is indiscriminate and can strike without warning. If someone you know is showing symptoms please find help for them as quickly as possible, to ensure this terrible virus is not empowered to move forward and perform at its maximum capaci… oh shit.