School has returned for another year and the eternal quest to find the perfect school lunch continues.  Week in, week out parents juggle the competing demands of nutrition, variety, taste, preference and price.

That is, unless they are those parents who always send their kids to school with canteen money.  You know the type, so busy working they don’t even really want their kids anymore, chockfull of regret that their Saturday morning sleepins are a distant memory and it’s easier to pay their children off than spend time with them, or the others, who are too hungover in the mornings and would rather smoke a 7am bong next to some random behemoth they mated with the night before than fix their kids a sandwich.

With all the conflicting advice about what to include in your children’s lunchbox, sometimes parents make mistakes, it’s easy enough to do, we’re all human, well most of us.  Here are ten things you should definitely not include in your children’s lunches.

1. Kale

Let’s be honest, only wankers eat kale.  Wankers and hipsters.  Do you really want your kid to be a wanker, or worse, a hipster?  Your kid would look like a freak, wearing a beard when they’re only in primary school – like of those characters from the Aphex Twin music videos.  You don’t want that.

What happens when children eat kale
What happens when children eat kale

2. Marmite

Wow, you must hate your kids if you buy them Marmite.  You little grommets drained the love from our marriage and the enjoyment from our life and we haven’t had sex in years, so we’re going to feed you this disgusting tar that is scraped from the armpits of construction workers and then sold as a revolting Vegemite-Nutella lovechild.  If you want your kids to be bullied, feed them Marmite.

3. Ice

Not that type that melts – that would require a PhD in Stupidity – the drug.  It can be tempting now and then to slip a little meth into Johnny’s lunchbox, what with the price becoming quite affordable lately – and hey, no more reading bedtime stories for a few nights and he would probably kick ass at interschool sports too.  But then those pesky child protection workers would probably come a knockin’.  Best to wait until high school, then you can blame the behaviour on ADHD.

4. Nuts

Geez, if you come across a kid who has eaten nuts these days you would arrest his parents on the spot.  So no nuts, gluten, eggs, avocadoes, pork, wheat, soft cheese, earworms, donkey tits or shellfish – yeah, shellfish, little Johnny has to leave the lobster at home.

5. Pet food

With the price of food ever increasing, creative parents look for alternatives.  But only seriously screwed up parents would feed their kids pet food.  Unless your name is Josef Fritzl, don’t send your kids to school with a Chum Sandwich.

Alright then, maybe on the weekends it's ok
Alright then, maybe on the weekends it’s ok

6. Bottled Water

Are you completely stupid?  Every school has water fountains.  Sure, drunken teenagers and homeless people probably piss on them every other weekend, but it all contributes to building a healthy immune system.  Also, thanks for fucking up the environment!  You know it takes 7 litres of water to produce 1 litre of bottled water and drink bottles account for 38% of all rubbish.  Way to fuck up the environment, the environment that your children will grow up in – parent of the year!

7. Human Flesh

Let’s face it, people have eaten people for centuries, hell some people still do.  And who amongst us hasn’t sometimes wondered what fried eyelids, nipple crackers or stewed knuckles would taste like?  Best though to keep that in the family.  While kids are pretty inquisitive and open minded, they are also easily grossed out and tend to tell bloody everything to their teachers.

8. Dead pets

Recycling plays an important part in the modern world.  But when little Rover, Tigger or Basil the guinea pig carks it, bury them, don’t cook them up and feed them to your children in a sandwich, that shit will mess with their heads for a long time – and probably get you arrested, or at least fined by the RSPCA.

9. Babyccinos

Refer to Kale.  Only wankers give their children babyccinos – real grade A wankers, at least kale has some nutritional value.  The only winners from babyccinos are the cafés charging $2.80 for a cup of frothy milk.  Kids don’t need coffee (whether it’s real or not), they have all the energy they need – they haven’t had it sucked out of them by breeding and reproducing little shitworms that make their parents regret that extra cocktail and liking the feel of not using a condom.  Remember, babyccinos = wankers.  And wear protection.

'What do I do with this? Put me back on the boob mum!'
‘What do I do with this? Put me back on the boob mum!’

10. A single unpitted olive

If you ever hear of a child sitting down to eat a single unpitted olive call the authorities straight away.  Not only was this the final meal of kidnapper and murderer Victor Fequer who was hanged in Florida in 1963, but then child killer Robert Buell from Ohio requested the exact same meal upon his execution in 2002.  That kids parents are surely into some seriously weird shit if they are sending him to school with that meal.  Or they’re really poor.

Victor and Robert’s last meal.