Spending 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week and god knows how many years of your life in the workplace can be amazing. All that time surrounded by talented and inspiring colleagues, working on exciting projects and having affairs in the broom cupboards after hours. Lifelong friendships are formed, stationary is free for the duration of your employment and you earn money while sitting on the toilet.
It can also be a place of desolation, where those who once possessed lofty youthful dreams of changing the world whittle away their days in anonymity and frustration at a life wasted, fantasising about how they will murder their colleague with a stapler if they don’t stop whistling that annoying bloody tune.
As annoying as that tune may be, nothing quite riles those in the workplace like the kitchen and cleaning duties.
Invented by William Howard Livens in 1924, the dishwasher was a revolution in the accomplishment of household chores. Now installed in many workplaces, the dishwasher has amazing functions of which many workers are seemingly unaware.
Firstly, after opening the door, by pulling in a downward motion, the dishwasher’s functionality, amazingly, continues. Many people in the workplace are unaware that the bottom tray can actually be pulled out, allowing users to place plates and utensils at the back of the tray as well as at the front – incredible!
Now while the dishwasher performs many magical, mystical and mysterious functions when closed and in use, one function is does not have, sadly, is water jets that spray downwards. Therefore, placing bowls upside down is the only way to ensure they are cleaned.
The humble household sponge will this year celebrate 80 years of existence. Invented by Otto Bayer in 1937, it has been responsible for cleaning the kitchen benches of everyone from Adolf Hitler to Fidel Castro to the humble housewives of mid west United States.
What is amazing is that you too can add your name added to that illustrious list, by cleaning up spills you make in the workplace kitchen. Whether it’s an overflowing cup of coffee, a splash of water, or you sneeze all over the bench, employing the use of the kitchen sponge will ensure you remain free from the wrath of your workmates.
Food in the fridge
Couldn’t quite finish your lunch? That leftover Thai food was just too much? You’re going to save the rest of that avocado for tomorrow? There’s still plenty of dip left in that container? That’s all fine, but my god man, don’t forget about it! I like Transformers as much as the next guy, but its way more fun with machines, robot voices and lasers, so let’s not play Transformers with our food at work.
Printers have page settings
We all have that token greenie in the office, complaining about everything from energy saving light globes to plastic coffee cups and recycled toilet paper (also known as sandpaper). But they do have a point when it comes to printing.
So you really want to print that important email, because you’ve drank yourself to a point where your eyesight is failing and you can no longer read on a computer screen? Fine, print the email, but can you bloody check how many pages it will be, so that page 3 isn’t left on the printer, with a lone sentence reading, ‘Please consider the environment when printing this email.’ It takes 5 seconds to adjust the settings, so if you don’t know how to do it ask someone young, or Asian.
Presumably you have completed some form of education before landing your job? Oh, you’re a politician, well I understand then. But for everyone else, have you at least attended primary school? That’s good, then you must have heard of such a thing as a pen license, which is only granted when you no longer write in giant gangly letters like a serial killer with lipstick, but can perform the basic human function of legible handwriting. Ok, since winning your pen license you have used computers, ipads and mobile phones, but sweet Jesus, have you not even picked up a pen to write a shopping list?
Mmm, can you smell that delicious lunch warming up in the microwave – last night’s pizza, a warm bowl of soup, or perhaps leftover Chinese? You’ve spent all morning in meetings without time to even scratch your bum let alone have a morning snack and you’re so hungry you could eat a horse (but you didn’t bring your frozen lasagne today) and the kitchen when you enter is a swirling melange of delicious gastronomic aromas driving you absolutely crazy and you hear people munching, crunching and exhaling with the satisfaction that only comes from a full stomach – that’s it you can’t stand it and stop the microwave with 3 seconds to go and take your food out and rush to the table to eat it. Stop. The person behind you now has to cancel your last 3 seconds you lazy jerk and then set their own time. You could have waited an extra 3 seconds or at least cancelled the timer. The person behind you has every right to throw that lunch right in your face.
Generally speaking, pants are required at the workplace. If you forget to wear your pants it’s most likely that you’ll either be asked to go home a find them, attend a series of counselling sessions or find another job. Remember, keys, wallet, phone – pants!
As with rolling into the office without pants, punching colleagues is frowned upon in most workplaces. I know, I know, they spilt their coffee, dribbled pee on the toilet seat and left the microwave with only 2 seconds to go, but it’s probably must safer for you to file a sexual harassment claim against them rather than punch them right in their stupid face which you really feel like doing.
Dumping your colleagues body
That’s it. You snapped. Your colleague left their lunch in the fridge and it now resembles Bronwyn Bishop after a big night out on the turps, they keep printing page 3 after you showed them how not to and the last straw – they left what you think is a passive aggressive post it note on your keyboard but it’s so fucking poorly written you can’t be sure – so you killed them.
How do you get out of this one? Eventually they will begin to smell, so you can’t leave them at work. But then again, you can’t drag them out in a garbage bag, that might raise suspicion. That’s it! Fire drill! Not only can the firemen find there lifeless body riddled with staples and paper cuts, but you will secretly be the hero of everyone who never wanted to go to that boring strategy meeting this afternoon anyway.