The 2016 Australian election campaign, a 55 day marathon, was launched this week.  For the next 2 months, even the most feverish political junkies will have their attention spans tested as Malcolm, Bill, Barnaby and co. travel the country kissing babies, donning hi-vis vests and posing with fruit in supermarkets.

Eventually, on Saturday 2 July, Australians will know the result, with either Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull retaining the job he was born for (at least in his own mind), or Prime Minister Bill Shorten pulling off one of the greatest comebacks and upsets and leading Labor back to government after less than 3 years in opposition.

Team: Liberal Party

Captain: Malcolm Turnbull

Three word slogan: Jobs and growth

Why you should vote for them:

Mathias Cormann.  I don’t know about you, but 3 more years of Darius Horsham would be amazing!  Don’t know who I’m talking about?  After you’ve regained consciousness from punching yourself in the head fifteen times, click here.

Christopher Pyne.  The fixer.  He fixes things.  He just does, don’t ask how, but he’s the fixer.  As long as we have him, whatever happens he can fix it.

Because Malcolm deserves a fair go.  Come on, he does.  Poor Malcolm has had a hard run since graduating from Oxford, becoming a successful barrister, investment banker, partner of Goldman Sachs and then being preselected to a safe liberal seat and assuming the leadership only to be rolled by Tony Abbott and having to sell out his principles to regain the leadership.  Vote for him, it will make him happy.

Why you should not vote for them:

Fuck me, how many do you need – Scott Morrison, Peter Dutton, Cory Bernardi, Kevin Andrews, George Brandis, Eric Abetz and another guy you may have heard of called Tony Abbott, who ate a raw onion.

Having harped on about the debt and bloody deficit for years and years, they’ve managed to triple it in less than 3.

Malcolm Turnbull didn’t appear on Hard Chat.

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton, or possibly Hannibal Lecter...
Immigration Minister Peter Dutton, or possibly Hannibal Lecter…

Team: ALP

Captain: Bill Shorten

Three word slogan: Putting People First

Why you should vote for them:

Zingers.  Bill has put the zingers on hold for 2016, but surely if he wins the Prime Ministership they will return.  Check out some of the best here.

Puns.  Bill can be tacked on to newspaper headlines much easier than Malcolm – Electricity Bill, Water bill, Bill-ding the roads of the 21st century, Bill’s Bull (when he breaks his first post election promise), Bill’s Ills (when the opinion polls dip) and so on.  Years of fun ahead for headlines writers.

Bill’s dorky dancing ability.  The USA has Obama and South Africa Jacob Zuma, but Bill’s effort in Kiribati leaves them for dead.  Having a head of state who can actually dance is like your dad being good at karaoke, it’s no fun for anyone.

Why you should not vote for them:

Tax.  With Labor in control, you’ll be pouring tax on your Weeties, mixing tax in your coffee, reading your tax bedtime stories and kissing your tax goodnight.  Tax, tax, tax.

Labor will jump into bed with the Greens.  Ok, so Bill is playing hard to get at the moment, but after 2 months of courtship from Adam Bandt and the opportunity to govern, he will shuffle over, slide the doona cover across and pat the mattress.

Because Kevin Rudd might come back.  Seriously, he might.  Remember when you thought that guy was dead at the end of Die Hard, well he wasn’t and he almost shot John McCain.  Just sayin..

White men can't jump - or dance!
White men can’t jump – or dance!

Team: National Party

Captain: Barnaby Joyce

Three word slogan: Back our plan for a strong new economy

Why you should vote for them:

They pay due respect to prospective voters by using an 8 word slogan rather than a 3 word slogan.

Barnaby. Joyce.  Love him or flamin’ love him, Barnaby will keep us chuckling, crying, cringing and face-palming for years – and our borders will be safe from Johnny Depp’s dogs.

The Nationals wear Akubra hats, ride horses, drive off road and shoot things.  What other reasons do you need?

Why you should not vote for them:

Their slogan is too long.

Barnaby. Joyce.  Seriously, you really want this guy as our deputy PM?!  He’s already had a taste of it in April and if Malcolm goes under a bus, Barnaby’s it.  Scary.

George Christensen.  If the KKK existed here George would be a member.

Australia... your deputy Prime Minister
Australia… your deputy Prime Minister

Team: Greens

Captain: Richard di Natale

Three word slogan: Standing up for what matters.

Why you should vote for them:

The skivvy.  Move aside Jason Clare, as a Late Show parody from the mid 90’s preached – Skivvy’s Are Back!  Leader Richard di Natale’s GQ photoshoot this year resulted in the Senator being dubbed the ‘Black Wiggle.’

If you don’t like the way asylum seekers are treated on Nauru or Manus Island, or even in Australia.

Richard di Natale barracks for Richmond and God knows the Tigers need a win!

Why you should not vote for them:

Because it inevitably makes you a self righteous wanker who believes that they are morally superior to anyone who did not vote for the Greens.

The Greens will throw open the borders and we will be swamped by asylum seekers, refugees and Muslims and before you know it there will be Sharia law, and a carbon tax on top of that and then we won’t know which bathroom to use because gay people are marrying each other and having communist transvestite children who wear burqas and want destroy our economy.  Seriously, just ask George Christensen.

Coal is good for humanity and the Greens hate humanity… (even if that conclusion is drawn from an extension of Tony Abbott’s incredibly twisted logic).  The Greens hate you and your humanity.

Dick in a skivvy
Dick in a skivvy

The best of the rest:

Nick Xenophon

Vote for Nick because… the enthusiasm of his supporters is the only time Xenophobia is not a completely terrible thing.

Ricky Muir

Vote for Ricky because… everyone else in Parliament ganged up to get rid of him – and which other Senator is famous for a kangaroo poo camping fight?

Ricky Muir on his infamous camping trip
Ricky Muir on his infamous camping trip

The Palmer United Party (aka Dio Wang)

Don’t bother voting for PUP because… after roaring in three years ago with Clive, Jacqui, Glenn and Dio, PUP 2016 is on the operating table and about to be put down.  With Glenn and Jacqui departing and Clive not contesting, the sole remaining candidate is Dio Wang.  Who I hear you ask?  Dio, it’s time to go.  (And his real name is Zhenya by the way).

'...and you keep the big notes on the outside.'
‘…and you keep the big notes on the outside.’

Jacqui Lambie

Don’t vote for Jacqui because… she is a backwards, bigoted, xenophobic (see, told you!) and ill informed dolt who wants to reintroduce the death penalty (and that’s just the beginning).

David Leyonhjelm

Meh… he likes gay marriage but also likes guns a bit too much and doesn’t really believe in climate change.

John Madigan

Vote for John because… submarines are the spaceships of the ocean!

Does that make South Australians the astronauts of the sea?
Does that make South Australians the astronauts of the sea?
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