Order in Latin

What could be more hipster?  Why order in a conventional language like English, when a perfectly good retro tongue like Latin is available?  If you’re Latin isn’t up to scratch then perhaps try Esperanto, Sumerian or Klingon (the Star Trek language, because Star Wars is so mainstream).

Pay in ‘deconstructed money’

What better way to add to the experience of ‘deconstructed dining’ than to pay in deconstructed money – also known as change.  It may not be kosha when ordering calzones at Paisano’s, but if you’re expected to put your meal together like a child would a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle, then paying in deconstructed money is completely acceptable.  For maximum hipster effect it’s best to include a few 1c or 2c coins or a 10 dirham coin which just happens to be in your wallet from your recent trip to Morocco.

Deconstructed money, aka change

Report to the theft of milk crates to local council

Why use a plate when a perfectly good chopping board is available?  Why drink from a mug when we have all these beakers lying around?  And why sit on a comfortable chair when a milk crate makes a much more powerful statement about our urban life in these concrete jungles?

If you feel like your spine has been deconstructed after sitting on a milk crate, even if it is adorned with a crusty old 1970’s cushion bought with bitcoin from a Sydney Road op shop, report the proprietor for the theft of crates.  Although next time you visit they might have bloody hay bales, or stacks of yellow pages, or deconstructed chairs from Ikea which you have to assemble before eating…

Bloody hipsters...
Bloody hipsters…

Have a ‘deconstructed bathroom experience’

After indulging in your ‘smashed avo on sourdough with a side of bacon,’ served on a frying pan lid because chopping boards are so mainstream these days and your caffeine fix is poured into a beaker or recycled jam jar filled with Maxwell House because who would know the difference… complete your experience by filling the beakers with warmth, dropping a bomb on the chopping board and leaving them in the bathroom to be poured and flushed by the staff.