At 50 Janet Jackson is ‘finally’ having a baby, yet ‘poor old Jen’ is still not a mother as she edges ever closer to half a century on this planet. Let’s not feel sorry for Jen, there are still many things she can do with her life – and these are things only people without children will understand.
1. There is no unacceptable time of the day to drink alcohol
A sunny summer’s day, perhaps it 11am, maybe 2pm, whatever time it is, you think to yourself, ‘wouldn’t it be great to crack open a beer and enjoy this wonderful weather,’ well my friend, guess what, you don’t have children – so you can!
A chilly winter afternoon, the football is on the TV and fireplace is crackling, you think to yourself, ‘hmmm a glass of red would complete this scene nicely,’ – and you know what, you don’t have children, so go ahead buddy open that bottle and pour yourself a glass, you’ve earned it!
8am Sunday: you have returned from a massive bender and ‘just one beer’ would really ease the impending hangover, you know what to…
2. Travelling is fun and affordable
Bali is on sale, wow I would love to get away for a long weekend – oh wait I have children. No lying on the beach with a mojito and my favourite book for me, I have to change a dirty nappy, warm a bottle of breast milk (but not too warm) and then read a story about bears, or wolves or is it a caterpillar – they all blur now.
Flights to London are on special, wow – an African safari tour, I’ve always wanted to see Machu Picchu, San Francisco, Vanuatu, the Aussies are touring Sri Lanka – oh wait my child just vomited all over the floor / shit in the flower pot / is crying / broke out in red spots after eating Lego / poked his sister in the eye / is whining / inserted a jam jar into his anus / has a huge snot bubble – I need to snap back into reality.
3. Sleeping in is amazing
The morning sun eeks through the cracks in the curtains, birds are chirping and that was an amazing sleep. You roll over and look at the clock, 9:47am, oh shit – I need to… nothing, take it easy my friend, relax, ease your way into this lovely morning, remember, you don’t have children.
4. Children can be bloody annoying
I don’t want to eat it! I want that one! I don’t like it! Are we there yet? He hit me! She hit me first! Did not! Did so! Did not! Shut-up. You shut-up. You shut-up first. I told you first. You stink. You smell. I hate you – SHUT UP! Mummy he said a swearword, no I didn’t, shut-up is not a swear word you cunt. AAAH that’s a swear word, he sweared, he sweared. I feel sick. You’re adopted. I don’t want to go, I don’t like him. But why? When is Dad getting home? I want more cheese. The dog licked me. But why? It hurts. I don’t know how to, I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. I don’t need to go anymore.
When you see this happening, remember it is ok to laugh.
5. Ignorance is bliss
If you associate Frozen with your steaks, describe your sex life as Incredible and don’t know what a Pixar is that’s ok. If a Chicken Run means a trip to the Ready Roast, a Woody is what you have in morning and you have no idea (and don’t care) what a PokeStop is, then rest assured your life is still on track. Ignorance is rarely bliss, but if your ignorance is of talking fish, squabbling Scandinavian sisters and Lightning McQueen, then revel in it.
6. Children are not special
So your child did a painting today, well stop the press, let me get Sotheby’s on the line. I bet all the kids in class did a painting today – and I bet most of them were better than what your little sprog produced. I understand that you are impressed by the talents you perceive your child to have, but for the rest of us, it’s just another painting. So please don’t fill our social media feeds with amateur artwork, verbatim accounts of ‘hilarious things my children said,’ and private moments between a parent and his/her child that should be enjoyed as such.
7. I read a book this weekend
Yep, I read a book, I also enjoyed a pleasant coffee on Saturday morning while I was reading the paper – and I even completed most of the crossword, though was stuck on 8 across – ‘duty,’ 14 letters starting with R.