Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, universally lauded for his welcoming of Syrian refugees earlier this year, admits he is not so enthusiastic about a potential influx of Americans should Donald Trump become President.
Trump has defied all expectations and overcome numerous scandals during the campaign and millions of Americans are preparing contingency plans should he win office.
However Trudeau has warned against his neighbours looking north for sanctuary.
‘When the Americans come they won’t be sending their best. They will be coming with lots of problems. They will be bringing racism, obesity, a love of guns, Christianity and Mormonism. They will want to access our free healthcare and many of them, I believe, would have voted for Hilary Clinton. I assume some of them are good people, but we can never be too careful.’
In scenes reminiscent of the Cuban Missile Crisis, Y2K and Will Smith disaster movies, Americans are flocking to supermarkets to buy canned tuna and hand towels, sweeping the cobwebs from their bomb shelters and convoys of cars are growing on the Canadian border. Yet Trudeau is determined to keep them out.
‘The elite of our nation’s Royal Mounted Police will be patrolling the border throughout November and kindly requesting Americans to turn back. Any failure to comply with those orders will result in the issuing of strongly worded letters. If these measures fail, we will have no choice but to play Nickleback, Bryan Adams and Celine Dion over loud speakers until the crowds have dispersed.’